Playing Doctor




Initial Visit?

Thursday, November 3

Southern Boys Approximately

While there is certainly no geographical concentration of people appearing to have potential only to reveal themselves to be jackasses, there do seem to be concentrations of certain strains of these people from place to place.

In this town, you might be out to dinner with this charming man. You may even be pleasantly amused when he tells you his parents gave him the choice of a summer in Europe or a college education.

‘How 1890’s!’ you think to yourself, remembering the other fellow from this town who had been given the choice of an education or a Porsche.

Why don’t these parents just eat their young? I mean, actually cut off their arms with a hack saw and put them on the grill with a delicious barbeque sauce. Because really, once you buy your child a sports car instead of an education, what’s even the point?

It’s the lack of insight and not the lack of an education that you have a problem with. The most enjoyable dates in this town have been with butchers—guys whose families didn’t have the means to send them to college, or Europe, or the Porsche dealership. (More on the butchers later)

So this guy begins to tell you about his summer in Europe and you’re listening and when he tells you what a great time he had in Madrid, you grow a bit more interested and think things may be looking up.

‘I hadn’t even wanted to go to Spain, but I had a great time,’ he says. And then ruins it all, as it always becomes ruined. This time when he says, ‘the people there aren’t at all what you’d expect: they’re not fat and lazy like you’re always hearing.’

And you aren’t sure if you should help him understand that he’s confusing stereotypes of Mexicans with stereotypes of Spaniards, or if you should just leave the whole mess alone, because you’ve gotten into enough trouble calling people out on more egregious forms of bigotry.

But at that point you know the night will go no further than a make out session in the parking lot or maybe you’ll let him give you a blowjob, at most. But frankly you’re thinking about finding an earlier exit than even that.

And when he starts talking about Banana Republic like it is haute couture, and referring to himself as a fashionista, you decide to make your exit and wonder why he felt he had to stuff his own self into an inappropriate stereotype.


And when you’re politely pocketing the number he’s giving you (again), and he’s saying ‘you’re not going to call me, are you,’ and you’re wondering how to answer such a question, and instead you’re reaching for your keys and maybe thinking of a Ryan Adams song, and you just stupidly say ‘I don’t even know what I’m doing now let alone what I’m going to do.’


And most nights usually play out like this, in one way or another, going home alone, with the unfortunate combination of being angry, bored, and horny.



But occasionally, things work a bit differently. You go out, let’s say with a butcher, and he’s neither bigoted nor confined by assumptions of how he should be or behave simply because he likes to kiss boys.

But someone so unaffected can smell the stink of cynicism on you.

He can sense what you know and what you think about your fellow man, and you understand that he is thinking that the night will go no further than a make out session in the parking lot or maybe he’ll let you give him a blowjob, at most. But frankly he’s thinking about finding an earlier exit than even that...

5 Comments:

11/03/2005
Blogger Spider writes:

"And most nights usually play out like this, in one way or another, going home alone, with the unfortunate combination of being angry, bored, and horny." Sounds like a typical evening ending in Orlando

 


11/03/2005
Anonymous Josh writes:

ok. This answers my question from a ways back as to whether you're gay. Glad I wasn't misreading it before :) I'd ask for a date but I'm in NYC.

 


11/03/2005
Blogger jamesdamian writes:

am I lame like that? I hope not. I haven't had much luck in NYC, so it isn't just southern boys who are like that.

 


11/03/2005
Anonymous Anonymous writes:

At least I know now why our date didn't work out, if that's what it was.

 


11/04/2005
Blogger dan writes:

Fashionista? Jesus.

 


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