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Monday, February 21

Ah, The Miracle of Birth

One of the questions my family and friends like to ask me is, ‘What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve every seen?’

They know I have a slight taste for the macabre and am likely to give them a good story. And those stories do exist.

I have been the last man to touch a woman’s breast while it was still attached to her body, withdrawn and pulled a man's leg as it was sawn off. I’ve seen a man vomit blood until he died. I’ve connected instruments through a woman’s open abdomen as the surgeon fed me the pieces through the patient’s rectum. (I originally wrote ‘as the surgeon fed me the pieces through her rectum,’ but felt I should be more precise.) I’ve found maggots on my shirt after examining a man's gangrenous foot. I’ve seen the powder burns on the temple of a fifty-year old man who got drunk, fought with his wife, and locked himself in the bedroom to put the family gun to his head.

FUN FACT: If you have a handgun in your home you are five times more likely to commit suicide than someone who does not.


But the most foul, disgusting thing I have ever seen is childbirth.


Everyone seems to anticipate being squeamish about the water breaking. Well, let me tell you, that water is Evian compared to what comes next. No one mentions that childbirth is full of blood, piss and shit. If it is a difficult delivery, my gloved hands are maneuvering around the little turdletts and occasional trickles of piss the woman passes as she bears down.

The vagina is almost always ripped open. To avoid this—are you ready ladies?—we cut the vagina open with scissors. The first time I tried, I gave the scissors to the senior physician because my hands were trembling.

It is simply horrendous.

Women screamed at their husbands, ‘You did this to me you ass-fucker!’ I sympathized with them; though I noted that had they been ass-fucking, none of this would be happening.

After watching several childbirths I could not imagine intentionally impregnating anyone I cared about.

I recommend hiring a co-ed.

Tomorrow: Uncynical Wedne—What’s that Smell?


7 Comments:

2/21/2005
Blogger hot babe writes:

The one thing I always have to ask a friend that just had a baby is if she pooped during labor. She usually says no & the father is behind her shaking his head yes. I personally refuse to allow anyone to impregnate me until I've found a doctor that agrees to allow me to have a planned c-section. I want none of that natural childbirth crap.

I got to be in the delivery room when my niece was born. My sister had to have an emergency c-section. I wasn't grossed out at all. The doctor remarked that my sister had a stripe on both sides of her uterus. I looked & she did. My sister told me to stop looking at her uterus. Geez, I just saw them shave her, examine her, cut her open, reach in & take out my niece. I figured a little glance at her uterus was no big deal.

 


2/21/2005
Anonymous Anonymous writes:

I'm just glad I'm a GAY man! Thank you jesus.

 


2/22/2005
Anonymous Anonymous writes:

And to think your mother thought it was the end of the world to get an enema before you were born. Why don't they just use a bladder catheter to reduce the piss?

 


2/23/2005
Blogger Erik writes:

A Foley Cath?

There is enough going on around the vagina, the last thing we need is another tube to get in the way.

The urine is unpleasant, but an extra cord could be dangerous.

Though there might be some situations when it is used, I have never seen it done. Any OB/GYN's want to weigh in?

 


2/24/2005
Blogger Molly writes:

I was lucky (?) enough to observe 25 vaginal & 2 c-section births during my internship in a special program in high school. I also observed brain & spinal surgery, gall bladder removal, open heart surgery, ICU patients in the process of dying, liposuction, children with cancer, grandparents in the last stages of Alzheimer's, and lots of other medical stuff. And I have to say I COMPLETELY AGREE that childbirth is the most disgusting thing out there. Until that time, I had no idea that such a supposedly beautiful moment could be so... smelly. Thanks for the very descriptive reminder of why enemas are your friend.

 


9/18/2006
Anonymous Jasmine writes:

Thank God when you are actually having it you don't have to see all that!

 


4/12/2007
Blogger Anna Malgorzata writes:

Well, it is part of the truth... Childbirth is smelly, full of blood, urine and excrement. I had a vaginal birth. I did poo and pee (a bit embarsassing, but you tend to forget it quickly) and they did cut the vagina open with scissors (although I haven't actually noticed it, it was the sewing afterwards which was really unpleasant).

But I also felt very happy. I was longing for my child, and here she was coming. The contractions were strong but they weren't really painful - they were powerful, my body was powerful... It gave me a thrill. I was ecstatic, it seemed a bit like sex, but now things were progressing in the other direction. The waters were pleasantly warm and then my baby jumped out like a little fish - hop! And I was overwhelmed with joy.

I had a quick and easy labor, so I wouldn't be surprised to hear not all women experience it like this. But it certainly isn't only about piss and shit. And it is a miracle that the child (comparatively big) makes it through the vagina, and the joys of parenthood are worth the effort.

I'm now trying to get pregnant again!

 


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