Things Not to Say

Or, things I have learned the hard way.


In ascending order of disastrous consequences:

6) At a junior-high talent show, not noticing the resemblance the couple in front of you has to the child on stage, “I would be so embarrassed to be that kid’s parents.”

5) When leaving a patients room, “Well, that isn’t going to last long.”
(A candy striper started crying.)

4) During sex with a one-night stand, “I’m so bored.”

3) At 14 years-old, angry at your father and hearing what you assume to be your sister coming into the garage, “Why is he such an asshole?”

2) In the first week of a relationship, before realizing you were falling in love, “I don't really see this lasting long term.”

1) Six years into a relationship, after being told you have gained some holiday weight, “You got fat two years ago, and I haven’t said one word about it.”