Playing Doctor

Initial Visit?

Friday, December 3

Texan Women Fight for Family Values

I first heard of Andrea Yates several years ago when a reporter started a broadcast by saying “Many people in this small Texas town are wondering how a mother could possibly drown her five children in her own home.”

I was able to solve this problem fairly quickly, “She probably used the bathtub.”

But it was a different point the reporter was making. She didn’t know it at the time, but Mrs. Yates was the first of a group of Texan women fighting for a return to family values. Fed up with Hollywood and liberals telling rural Americans how to live, these Texan women began a campaign that has extended far beyond Yates’ “Bathroom cleanup.”

Deanna Laney started a garden landscaping project in her own backyard combining “found objects:” rocks and her three sons’ skulls. Unfortunately, the elitist neighborhood association was not impressed with the project—the vindictive neighbors even pressed charges and an activist judge called her project “insane.” Cheer up Deanna; Olmsted and Vaux struggled for years against New York liberals to make their vision for Central Park a reality.

With all this McDonalds and microwave culture, who cooks anymore? This Dallas stay-at-home-mom does, and came up with her very own recipe. While listening to church hymns on the radio, she “Carved the Turkey.” Of course, when I say “Turkey” I mean “her baby,” cutting off its arms, while reciting bible verses. Perhaps she also thought of the words of this old-fashioned folksy poem while humming with the hymn.

A Happy Home Recipe
4 c Of love
2 c Of loyalty
3 c Forgiveness
1 c Friendship
5 Spoons of hope
2 Spoons of tenderness
4 qt Of faith
1 Barrel of laughter

Take love and loyalty, mix them thoroughly with Faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness and understanding. Add friendship and hope, sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with sunshine.

Serve daily with generous helpings
Take that, elitist Food Network who always uses impossible to find ingredients.

Finding the spark has left your marriage because of Alec Baldwin’s relentless assault of internet pornography? Take a note from this happy couple who know that the couple who exorcise-their-three-children-by-beheading-them stays together. The children apparently had become possessed by their dead grandmother. Who, we may assume, was a whore. Or at least did not love Jesus enough, because it isn’t heaven one leaves to possess one’s grandchildren, now is it? Tragically, they have had to defend themselves not only from the secular humanists, but even from their own church.

“Beheading?” their minister said, “Too Islamic for my taste.”

Then we have the case of poor Lisa Ann Diaz, who drowned her two daughters last summer. Of course the left wing media undermined her story. “Talk about a day late and a dollar short,” they seemed to say, “Yates did the same thing years ago, with more kids.” Media attention was nearly absent. She’s clearly considered an also-ran, rarely even getting a name mention.

But we must remember for a campaign to take hold, they can’t all have Betty Crocker’s inventiveness and flair. For these women to call their campaign for Family Values successful, they need people to follow in their footsteps. To say, “This is my America. This is my Home. These are My Children. Whether they be in the bathtub, in the back bedroom, the backyard, or garage. They are mine and here they are.”

God Bless!


Blogger robotomy writes:

Why won't you let me go to bed? It's ridiculous.

Some comments on your writing (mostly):

#1 - Please help revive the use of adverbs in this nation. It must be getting bad when I have to force myself to say "Why is he driving so slowly?" instead of "That motherfucker is driving so fucking goddamned slow; where's my glock?"

#2 - My neighbors are out of town. Party!

#3 - Kilo is acting so strangely. He is pacing the floors, going up and down the stairs, not spending time with us upstairs at all. Why, I remember when he used to be a good little companion. Josh says we should trade him in! Last week we kept my mom's golden, Tess, of whom Josh said, "Tess knows how to be a friend." Maybe Kilo just needs to shit -- but he's been acting weird for weeks, and I truly doubt he's had to shit for all that time.

#4 - I enjoyed your writing as evidenced in the above entry. Very humorous -- and also informative! I didn't have that recipe! Are you going with us to Sandra Bernhard?

#5 - My sister's mother-in-law lives on Redbud Lane. I think it would be nice to live on Redbud Lane. My sister's mother-in-law also voted for John Kerry. Redbud Lane must be a nice place. Not like Hattiesburg, Alabama (which is really Hattiesburg, Mississippi; but does it really matter?)

#6 - I was offended that you offered links to explain Venn diagrams! If people don't know what they are, then they have no business reading your blog and George Bush should take away the funding of every school they ever attended.


Blogger Erik writes:

1) Really, Did I stupidly miss an adverb form or were you humorously making a general comment?
2) Party late into night? We party heartily, in the day as well as in the night!
3) Softly rub Kilo's belly frequently; He will quickly treat you more attentively, upstairs and downstairs. Same trick will likely work with Josh.
4) Unfortunately, I am diligently working tonight: I will not be laughing hysterically at Sandra Bernhard's increasingly recycled routine.
5) Redbud, sounds like one could live happily for many years there. I would especially enjoy the spring, but what time of year do the lynchings typically occur? (My kind-hearted spell-check is insistently telling me that lynching does not have a plural.)
6) Kindly follow the second link to the Venn diagram explanation: It might make you slightly giggle.

23 adverbs and adverbial phrases in 11 sentences? I’ve done my part for your cause.


Blogger Queenie writes:

This is great.
I wish I had written it.



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