Is This Going To Be Multiple Choice?

The other day, a friend asked me, ‘What kind of an asshole are you?’ So that got me thinking, ‘What kind of an asshole am I?’

The good thing, I suppose, is that I have a lot of options.

Am I the kind of asshole who thinks he knows more than you? The kind who thinks his refusal to correct his—major—flaws is charming evidence of his humility? The kind who was a single course short of a minor in five pretentious and useless subjects? (Sociology, Philosophy, Psychology, Art History & Theater) The kind that would still mention the five subjects after saying they are pretentious and useless? The kind who took a job that was a six-hour drive from anyone he cares about?

But more than all those, I think I am the kind who pretends that admitting all these things means that he is not really an asshole.

Coming Soon: Actual response (hint, it begins with: ‘I am not an asshole, you asshole.’)