In/Out Fallout

I was surprised at the anger about the In/Out list.

I have one friend who has stopped speaking to me. One who is still bringing it up in—what I would consider to be—unrelated conversations. And I have heard from several people who, I guess, consider themselves to be arbiters of taste.

People, I am only the messenger here. I don’t make this stuff up. I live in Jacksonville, Florida for Pete’s sake. How am I going to influence such things?

Let me tell you how this worked last time. (It never works the same way twice, so I am allowed to talk about previous methods. Nobody is violating anything here.)

I started hearing that buzzing in my head a lot when I went home for Thanksgiving. When the headaches and vomiting started, I gave the signal that I needed information: I put the Lazarus statue in the kitchen window. The statue was broken, missing his head and most of his crutch. Only two of his dogs remained to lick his wounds.

The next night at two in the morning, I went out to the creek in front of my home with a flashlight and waded in. Duct taped to the underside of the bridge I found a Ziploc bag with a manila envelope inside.

I chucked at the thought of the Illuminati buying Ziploc bags (“Should we get the freezer safe ones?” I pictured the junior one asking. But then I pictured him asking those two women from the commercials, as they were strapped down naked with red plastic balls in their mouths and dental procedure lights blinding them and only seeing his silhouette as he approached with an obscured whirring instrument in his hand and I stopped chuckling.)

So hate not the messenger. Hear and obey. A lot of people in the Western Time Zone are still watching Desperate Housewives. The headaches start just after midnight on Sunday. Maybe it’s TiVo, I don’t know. Just stop. Please. I hate that whirring instrument.